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The summer after my junior year in high school, I started dating the guy that every girl wanted. We fell in love and had the fairytale relationship that everyone dreamed of. I would swear he was THE ONE! But then, that fairytale ended.
We brought in the new year together with so much love and hope for our relationship, only to find out a few weeks later, we had created something that would change both of our lives forever. A baby. Should we have been having sex? Absolutely not. Should this baby have been created out of wedlock? No. But I believe God created our baby, for a purpose. That purpose may be reaching the person who needs to hear it for whatever reason, the person who is going through it, who has been through it, or who may find their self in the same situation at some point in their life. I don’t know, but God knows.
Upon finding out, of course I was devastated, but the devastation only became worse as the next week went by. From telling, oh, let’s call him Fletcher*, to telling my parents, to that dreaded doctors appointment where they confirmed what I already knew to be true. As it was confirmed, my mother said “she’s not keeping it, no”. And it was in that moment that I felt my heart break in two. After talking and crying with Fletcher*, I was given a bit of hope that I wasn’t in this alone. That all changed. Fletcher* said “All I will be is another baby daddy paying child support”. I was given threats of being disowned, being alone, and ultimately loosing the guy I thought was “THE ONE”, the one who was supposed to be there for me no matter what, the one who was supposed to stand by me, even when things were hard, the one that promised he would always be there. All of that, in an instance, GONE!
At the young age of 17, I was forced to make a decision that would change my entire life. It rhymes with “smasmortion”. Now that I have your attention, yes, I’m talking about abortion. I remember every detail and every moment leading up to the day that scarred me eternally forever. The day that stole a piece of my heart. The day that I let everyone else influence my decision, that ultimately only effected me.
January 26th, 2008, Fletcher* showed up to my house, to ride with us to the facility it would take place. He was drunk. He was late, but he came. With tears streaming down my face, the whole ride to Dallas, walking up the sidewalk, only to be given a “pamphlet” by a pro-life protester, while telling me “YOU have a choice!” I grabbed the pamphlet, ripped it up and threw it in his face. Had only I realized that maybe, just maybe this pamphlet and this man could have saved me from all of the hurt, that always comes around and stabs me like a knife in the heart. To save me from making the choice, that God knew would be followed by severe consequences.
I remember going into the procedure room, and they had a song playing ever so softly, but loud enough to know what it was. “In the arms of the Angels” by Sarah McLachlan. Tears once again started streaming down my face, as they placed the mask on me to “sedate me”. And then I woke up, in a room, which they called “recovery”, and as I looked up, that was another girl there, with no tears, and no remorse and says to me “it’s not so bad. It goes away like it never even happened”. Had only I been able, I would have jumped up from that couch, and let her have it. How could she say that to me? Why did she think she could say that to me? Who did she think she was?! How could she act like I shouldn’t be upset? And more importantly, why she wasn’t even the slightest bit upset? Surely this wasn’t her first time.
In recovery, they wouldn’t allow my parents or Fletcher* come back, they would only tell them I was out. Upon them learning that “the deed” was done, Fletcher* was asleep on the couch in the waiting room, and did not act as if he even cared I was in recovery.
The day went on. We had lunch, which to me was so unreal that we went to lunch and everyone acted as if nothing had happened. Except me. I sat in silence and stared at the food my parents made me order. I got up from the table, went outside and cried. Fletcher* eventually came out to “check on me”….not a single tear in his eye.
After this, it all ended, no more fairytale relationship, no more of the love, only mean and hurtful things that broke my heart into even more pieces!
But you want to know who was there for me? Through it all? God. He pulled me through all the sadness, but this didn’t mean my flesh wasn’t grieving.
With God I found a new sense of hope, peace, and understanding. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and found new meaning.
I was then blessed with the most amazing man that God hand picked JUST FOR ME, my husband, 2 heart children that I love as my own, and my 2 wild boys. I can say that God will turn it around for you! Look what He has done for me!
I’m sharing this testimony, with the chance of being shunned, looked down on, etc. but I feel God has used me as an example of His love, mercy and forgiveness, FOR HIS GLORY! Isn’t it awesome? God will take your worst day, and turn it into an amazing testimony that not only will give him all the Glory and lead people to Him, but to also encourage women who have been through this situation, or are currently in the situation of having to make this crucial decision. I want you to know, you have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus, and have been forgiven. I want them to see, this decision does not define them, it defines who you were, and with God, you are no longer that person, you are HIS! You are WORTHY! You are ENOUGH!
If my testimony can save JUST ONE baby, and ONE mother from the pain and devastation that I feel constantly, then the negativity from any naysayers will be absolutely and 100% worth it. Fletcher* and I’s baby could have been one of the next Presidents of the United States, or a scientist who discovers the cure for cancers. That life, could be the one within you, the life that is fearfully and wonderfully. The life that was created by the ULTIMATE creator. The life that God has given to you, to raise up in his love and grace!
Don’t ever feel you are alone. God is there. He is your rock, your strength, your salvation and your refuge, with that, you can overcome anything, including THIS! Don’t be afraid to show your scars.